I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
