i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
