I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
