this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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