hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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