Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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