Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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