Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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