this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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