you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
only if we run a train.
done.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
