I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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