I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I FOUND THE LEGS
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
