just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
