well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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