I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
