She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
