Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
