did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
