this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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