Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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