Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
