so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
