She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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