I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think my vagina is haunted
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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