I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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