Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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