Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
