NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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