im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
