All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
