Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
