i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
