I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
