I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
