I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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