Taylor Swift is so right about you.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
