were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
