just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
