thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
