On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You can't special order awesome
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
