party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
