I CAN MOONWALK!
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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