so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
