it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
two words: eviction party
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
