Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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