right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
