Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
