Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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