I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
