Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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