I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
