shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
