I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
