The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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