So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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