You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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