Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
we made out on top of his cat.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
