Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
