i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
why is half of my head shaved?
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