Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
