I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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