I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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