guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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